I met the friendliest cop last night
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
