That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
