woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
