I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he thought i was a dude.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
