Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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