Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
