Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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