Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Randomize
