i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
