I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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