The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
