My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
