Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
