I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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