I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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