I got chris browned last night
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
