My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
