She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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