Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
