Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
