i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
