Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
