My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
