The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
