Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
