Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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