Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
what day is it and did you see me today?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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