Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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