I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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