Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
