i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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