just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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