Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
