porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
