Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Randomize
