A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
