my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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