No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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