If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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