Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
