Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
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