broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
and she was petting her beer can
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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