i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i dont even know how to be here
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
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