I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
too bad you live with your parents still
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
