Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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