Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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