he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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