My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
