I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
