Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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