dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Redeem this text for a blowjob
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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